November 4, 2025
Mustardgate: Trial of the Footlong
Border Patrol agent testifies sandwich thrown at him "exploded all over,"
Courtroom giggles, internet roasts: ‘Felony Footlong’ splits DC
TLDR: A Border Patrol agent told a D.C. jury a protester’s tossed footlong “exploded,” landing the paralegal in a misdemeanor assault trial and a firing. Commenters split between “assault is assault” and “overreach,” while memes and claims of a 20-agent, filmed arrest fuel outrage and laughs.
A courtroom became a comedy club when a Border Patrol agent testified a thrown sub "exploded all over", with an onion string by the radio and mustard stains. The video shows Sean Dunn yelling, then tossing the wrapped footlong at the agent’s chest before sprinting. Prosecutors couldn’t get a felony, so it’s a misdemeanor assault case, but the merch tells the meme: coworkers gifted a plush sub and a felony footlong patch. Dunn, fired from his Justice Department paralegal job, is a protest poster boy, while officials blasted him—one video message said, “stick your Subway sandwich somewhere else.”
Online, the comments are the show. One side says it’s government overreach for a sandwich toss; another says assault is assault, even with extra mustard. Rolph mused about the “spin” and the “uncertainty of reality,” while jokesters crowned it the “first test of a hypersonic subway.” The classic line returned: “A grand jury would indict a ham sandwich,” used to mock the failed felony push. Riskable declared: “This administration hates heroes.” And hypeatei claims 20+ agents filmed the arrest for social media, dropping a link to the spectacle. Verdict or not, the internet already ruled: mustardgate is guilty of maximum memeing today.
Key Points
- •Sean Dunn is on trial for federal misdemeanor assault after throwing a sub-style sandwich at a CBP agent during D.C. protests.
- •Agent Gregory Lairmore testified the wrapped sandwich struck his ballistic vest and “exploded,” leaving mustard stains and onion odor.
- •Defense attorney Julia Gatto called the act a harmless gesture and questioned the lack of evidentiary photos and the agent’s gag gifts.
- •Prosecutors did not obtain a felony indictment; Dunn faces a misdemeanor for allegedly assaulting and interfering with a federal officer.
- •After his arrest, Dunn was fired from his DOJ paralegal role; posts and videos by public officials commented on the case.