March 4, 2026
Shiny rocks, hotter takes
Chimpanzees Are into Crystals
Crystal-crazy chimps grab bling; internet yells “The Onion!”
TLDR: Scientists gave chimps crystals and the apes loved them so much researchers traded bananas to get them back. Commenters split between laughing that it sounds like The Onion and arguing it reveals why humans love shiny things, with extra drama over paywall-free links.
Scientists handed shiny crystals to chimpanzees in a Spanish rehab center, and the apes went full magpie. One big quartz “monolith” was such a hit, researchers reportedly had to barter bananas and yogurt to get it back. Cue the internet: half the crowd is cackling, half is defending the science, and everyone’s clicking the paywall-free share link or the archive like they’re guarding their own crystals.
The loudest take: this sounds like a joke headline. One commenter deadpanned it “could absolutely be an Onion article,” and the banana economy became an instant meme. Others, throwing back to classic radio snark — “You’re talking ** Karl, PLAY A RECORD” — treated the thread like a comedy stage. But defenders say the sparkle obsession matters: ancient humans collected crystals long before jewelry, so watching chimps swoon over quartz could explain why we’re drawn to bling today. It’s not just rocks; it’s our brains on shiny.
Meanwhile, the community split into camps: the “lol this is science?” skeptics, the “this is legit psychology” crowd, and the “bananas > peer review” jokesters. Bonus drama: people flexing with paywall workarounds became the unofficial sport of the day. Verdict from the comments? Whether it’s chimps or humans, we’ll do outrageous things for a glittery rock — and a snack.
Key Points
- •Researchers gave chimpanzees crystals such as quartz and calcite at a rehabilitation center near Madrid.
- •Chimpanzees showed strong interest, requiring trades of bananas and yogurt to recover the largest crystal; some crystals were not retrieved.
- •The study was published in Frontiers in Psychology and led by crystallographer Juan Manuel García-Ruiz.
- •An experiment (“The Monolith”) contrasted a foot-tall multifaceted quartz crystal with a similarly sized sandstone rock.
- •Archaeological evidence suggests prehistoric humans gathered crystals up to 700,000 years ago without clear utilitarian use.