How to Write English Prose

An essay praising big, beautiful, old-school English prose should have been a quiet literary appreciation post. Instead, the crowd turned it into a full-on style showdown. Writer David Bentley Hart gushes over seventeenth-century master Sir Thomas Browne, celebrating prose so rich and winding it practically arrives wearing velvet and carrying a chandelier. He also brings up the King James Bible as proof that English can be both grand and clear. But in the comments, readers immediately split into camps: Is this gorgeous art, or unreadable showing off?

That was the real drama. One side was enchanted by the old language, even while admitting it can feel hilariously over-the-top in everyday life. One commenter joked about imagining people talking like that while grocery shopping, which is frankly an image the internet did not deserve for free. Another brought the sharpest accusation of all: when people try writing like this today, it can feel like they’re putting on airs. Ouch. Then came the practical crowd, asking the killer question: Who’s your audience? If you’re writing for a tiny club of word-lovers, go wild with “anfractuous density.” If you actually want normal people to understand you, maybe put down the gilded cornices.

And then there was the thread’s unexpected MVP joke: someone misread “peeced out” as “peaced out” thanks to modern slang, turning a stately old passage into a perfect accidental meme. Nothing says internet culture like a 1600s prose debate ending with “Peace out.”